chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
