So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
