Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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