At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
