it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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