I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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