Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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