Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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