I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
