If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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