They should really pass out barf bags in church
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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