I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
