just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
