My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
