There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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