after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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