just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
