I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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