Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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