i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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