I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize