My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
