I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
