Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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