the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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