im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
