i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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