Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
