her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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