i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
