If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
