i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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