ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
