I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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