The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
