six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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