one word: firstdatebathroomanal
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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