Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
