His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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