I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
