last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize