My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
