no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
