i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
