My sheets look like a crime scene.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
