My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
