weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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