Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
