dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
