Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
