While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
