i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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