apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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