he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
