um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You have to summon your inner elephant
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
