I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
